Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The great tax-eaters.


Recently, I been to pay thirty-three and one third percent of me earnings so that others can eat.

They call it Consumption Tax, or to be more specific, General Consumption Tax. 

I ain't know who General is, but oh boy, he or she sure consume a lot, not just we money.

We time and we energy too. 

Sooner than later, General and the Consumption people gon call or send a letter saying, You didn't pay.  I gon go to see them, froff at the mouth like Mrs. Harry Dan, tear up me garment and roll on the ground, they gon look at me like the clock - implacable - and repeat, like a robot: I'm sorry ma'm, it's not in the computer.



Computer was sapposed  to save we-the-people.

They promised we this in the years B.C. [Before Computers].

Yep, they did actually verbalise this promise to my mother one day, in the years B.C.

She was at a guvament office trying to help she brother-in-law living Overseas.  The staff in Georgetown could find no record of the po' man's pension payment.  They said it was all the way in Berbice, across the river. 

"You can go there and look after it," said the staff.

"Oh," said my mother in a voice that sound like hot pepper, if hot pepper could speak, " I will gladly go if you pay for the taxi to take me there.  I will look after business for you too."

I ain't know what guvament staff is like in civilised countries, but here, them is like hard-mouth rum drinkers.  Every citizen here know that full-time rum-drinkers consume tons o' pepper to make their food taste better.  

The staff watch my mother as she stew, wondering what to do.

Finally, one o' them melt a li'l bit and say, "Don't worry.  One day we will get computers."

"And who is going to programme the computers?" my mother ask.  "The same pack of dummies that you have in here!"



But between you 'n' me, I don't think them is dummies.  

I think they get kinky watching we-the-citizens froff and fume.  There's not much entertainment around town, y'see.   They sit in the lunch-room and compare people's reactions, and place bets as to who bring down the most citizens. 

I bet one hot winner is the slim miss, dusky-skin and dolled up, spurting a li'l cleavage, and flaunting she long, straight hair in the cashier-cage.

I meet she when I go to the Albert Street branch for the first time last year.

She look at me tax return and say, "You didn't pay taxes for two years."  She quote Accounting Words so big, me po' head couldn't hold them in.

"What?  I've been paying consistently at the GPO building on Robb Street," I cry.

She watch me squirm like a worm turning every colour with rage.

"I'm sorry, ma'm, It's not in the computer," she sneer.

I ain't see she at the shiny, new office this year.  But I know she is hiding, waiting to send that letter.

20 comments:

dinahmow said...

Oh, you are not alone in the world of computer cock-ups! They are still sorting out the payroll mess here:
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/it-pro/government-it/payroll-debacle-queensland-health-prepares-for-pay-back-20111209-1om3o.html

Good thing we all have people like your mother to get fierce!

Dan Flynn said...

G,

We have General Taxation in the UK. I think these Generals come from a large family who seem to have branches in every country. The Russians also have a General Winter who beat both Napoleon and Hitler. We also have Major Roadworks. I bet you have some Majors too because they get around like them Generals.

x

Ellie said...

Ha! Bureaucrats!

There is a great Spanish 'corto' (short film - no more than 5 minutes I think) that encapsulates the 'papeleo' culture they have. I highly recommend you watch it ... it has subtitles, but don't they aren't really needed.

You can find it on Pueblo Girl's blog: http://pueblowoman.blogspot.com.es/2013/02/036.html

Love your ability to sustain the voice. LOVE 'voice that sound like hot pepper ...'

kfm said...

oooh me mooomaaaa! when you go to froff an fume, mek sure yuh ankle covered! I can see why after 7 years you cannot throw away any business papers, cause they still have to data process them!

John Greenwood said...

**** them! xx
Oh. I posted a joke in yo speak!

Guyana-Gyal said...

JohnG, that would be a waste of asterixs...asterixes...how do you pluralise *?

KFM, with these people...save EVERYTHING from the year Nought. Yes, I made sure I dressed appropriately when I went there...there was a DRESS CODE on the door! Can you imagine!!

Hi Ellie, welcome to Guyana! And thank you. I'm going to watch that short film this weekend.
Are you in Seattle? My dearest cousin lives there.

Dan, Major Accidents, General Malaise et al are thriving here. You can see them on the roads or enjoying the sunshine at a corner shop.
I must say, thank goodness for General Winter in Russia...I don't want to meet him though.

Dinah, at least they're trying to sort it out in Brisbane.
My sister's as sharp as my mother. How I wish I were as quick with a retort.





The Cloudcutter said...

Oh GG! This did make me laugh and put a big smile on my face. Your writing is as delightful as ever and reading you is always the bright spot of my day. Sorry, I know this is about your tax woes ... but no matter what you write about, I can never get past the fact that you're such a BRILLIANT writer.

Hope they don't give you any more trouble. Your Mammie is a wise woman ("And who is going to programme the computers?" my mother ask. "The same pack of dummies that you have in here!").

Kim Ayres said...

Ditto what Cloudcutter said :)

Guyana-Gyal said...

Kim, I've been feeling especially dull recently, so you can imagine how good you and Cloud have been for my writer's ego.
Thank you :-)

Cloud, you're so kind! Thank you.
Those tax office workers and other utility people have been like this for YEARS. I don't know if they will ever improve. Today, one of my mother's cousins told me that she went into the water company and SHOWED them her receipts, and still, they told her she owes because her payments are not in the computer.

Pat said...

Now I have all this to come.
Oh goody goody gum drops!
Your Mum made me laught out loud:)

Guyana-Gyal said...

Pat, every time I think of her calling them 'dummies' I laugh. She's so bad!

Keep your receipts, make copies. But I'm sure you don't have dummies to deal with where you are, and all will be well. If not, set Grumpy Keith on them, haha.

Davoh said...

Me have dirt roads here. Sometime big rain. Not so much flood, am on top of hill. But yep, happens.

Local council clear drain. Water floods house. Talk with local council. Problem solved. Water now dribbles into next door paddock.

cadiz12 said...

well if anyone can go toe-to-toe with these people, it sounds like it'd be your momma. i love a fierce lady like that--reminds me of my nani.

DRESS CODE??

Guyana-Gyal said...

Cadiz, yes, DRESS CODE! I live in a bizarre place.

Davoh, you lucky man...well, not about the flood...but...your problems are soon sorted out. I want a local council like yours.

Vest said...

So you don't know who the general is! well gal he is the smartest and cleverest man in the, armed forces, you should go and see this guy, he none other than the clever dick, General Knowledge.

Keith said...

"We the people . . . ." only means the top 2% don't-cha-know?

The rest of us are just the plebs, or cash-cows, to keep the "We the people" in the comfort to which they have become accustomed to.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Keith, here "we the people" means the plebs, the cash-cows. Them up there ain't people. They're VIPs.

Vest, I wish Gen. Knowledge would step this way, visit many homes
:-D

Davoh said...

Vest is recent immigrant to Australis ... heh.

WizzyTheStick said...

I am sure it is wrong of me to be smiling while reading about the trials of interfacing with government offices. God knows it is not much different here:-/ Your writing always brings out a smile even when i really should be frowning

Guyana-Gyal said...

Wizzy, here I was thinking that Trinidad's better :-) I'm glad you're laughing, it's the best way to cope.
I'm trying to frown and laugh at the same time.

Davoh, and here I was thinking that Vest is Aussie pure and true
:-D