Thursday, January 12, 2012

Confessions of a coward.


You would think that, by now, I know the size and shape of me own shadow. It ain’t huge ‘n’ hag-like with horns, leering on we house walls in the dark like a long-teeth lech.

But the other evening, more like twilight, I almost jump outta me skin again. That big-boluptious hag been lurking as I slink past a bedroom door.

Then nothing.

Nothing ain’t go rrrAAArrrghhh and bite me neck.

Only a puny shadow been trying to cower just like me.

“Ooops, hehe,” I giggle.  “Sorry dear li’l shadow, it’s only you.”





Thinking about this incident later, joy and sadness grip me.

Joy because I am one with the world. I ain’t alone - this earth is crowd-up with cowards.  In every corner, crack ‘n’ crevice, one is quivering.

There’s them that’s afraid of relationships, and stingy ones terrified o’ being poor; there’s them who think if they lose control, they gon fall apart. There’s cowards scared to speak up and cowards terrified of people seeing them less than perfect and cowards who like to terrify others; there’s cowards afraid to change their life; cowards scared to be different, who don’t dare harbour opinion different from the crowd.

These cowards, a lot o’ people take seriously.

In fact, if it wasn’t for these fraidy-cats, a lot of people wouldn’t make money.

The sad part is…I ain’t one o’ these.

I’s afflicted with the kinda cringing-minging-tiptoeing timidity that people don’t take seriously.

They roll on the floor and laugh.

I know this even when I ain’t there.

“When your mother was here, she was telling us about you and the rat…you should see how everybody was rolling on the floor laughing.” 

Somebody in Florida who I love dearly report this to me over the phone, I ain’t saying who. I did notice, though she did try to sound serious, she voice had that certain wobble, when people’s laughing but trying not to show it.

I was really glad that she did tell me. It was then, that morning two or three years ago, after I hang up the phone, I decide to embrace me Inner Coward, to talk openly about she...



…to be continued…

14 comments:

Guyanesesista said...

Girl I always enjoy your writing. I haven't been back home in 10 years and seeing you use these Guyanese terms takes me back. Ever thought of compiling everything for a book?

Kim Ayres said...

Perspective is where things in the distance look small but things up close look big.

One of the problems with fears is they sit up so close they are behind the eyes, obscuring everything else. They are as huge as its possible to be.

But when we take them out of our heads and place them on the table, we find they are always a lot smaller than we thought they were.

john.g. said...

GG, you aren't a coward, some things just unnerve you. That isn't cowardice. x

Rosaliene Bacchus said...

Guyana Girl, I learned to embrace my inner coward and talk openly about it after my ex-husband abandoned me and our sons in Brazil. As I struggled to raise my sons alone in a foreign country, I learned that only those who face their inner fears are truly courageous.

Besides, only the courageous can talk openly about their cowardice.

Jihan said...

Rats are scary, but centipedes scare me more. There's a difference between being a coward and being scared. Fear is going to we need it to survive. It's what keeps all of us from jumping off a bridge when time gets though, because death is more scary than living.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Jihan, speaking of centipedes...I'd better try to walk above ground now...

Rosaliene, your best revenge is success. I hope you do exceptionally well!

JohnG, you don't know the half of it, haha x x

Kim, eeek I ain't putting them on the table, they're going to bite me!

Hey, Sista, welcome! You should hear the new words people have coined here...I must write them down.
Thank you for the good words about my writing. I'm trying to figure out an interesting way to put together a Guyana book.
You've started a blog too, oh good. I enjoy reading about Guyanese overseas.

cadiz12 said...

it's so true. everyone is scared of something. me, i imagine every kind of horrible thing that could befall me every time i step out the door.

Daddy Papersurfer said...

Nothing wrong with being a fraidy cat. It was my own career choice as a matter of fact.

Guyana-Gyal said...

DaddyP, hooray, I knew it could be made into a career...

Cadiz, you sound like me :-D
I'm a bit better now, I try to daydream it all away.

kfm said...

haha, i remember you and de roach at 11:00 at night an you hollering for me to come kill dem and wen you read Amittyville book an come crawling me bed at 1:00AM DEMANDING that i should "guh dung" lil bit coz you scared..both me an you smell wan waft of pufyum and run out the room hallering fuh mommy...hahaha

oh and wan night i hanging the mosquito netting, i lift the right end of it, chook it unda an see ah foot...if you see how i jump back an hit me head...oh! was me own foot!..

Guyana-Gyal said...

KFM, hahaha, yes, I remember the Amytville book, OMG. For YEARS I was scared.
I don't remember the kakaroach thing though, you're so lying.
Did you kill them?
Were you scared?
I still run and scream..........

CG said...

I am so glad somebody else is afraid of those damn cockroaches. That is the ONLY reason I don't go to the tropics.

Guyana-Gyal said...

CG, also the GIANT BIG COW FLIES!

Pat said...

what Kim says would work for me. To a point. Unless I was s--t scared.