Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Sweat like a cow.

Beware, oh men, beware. Be careful. If your scratchety, naggy, vexy wife or gyal-friend offer to do something for you, take that offer with a pinch o’ salt…cooking salt, that is. Absolutely no other kind.

Yesterday I been checking out the many uses of epson salts. “Look,” I show my mother, “It can draw toxins from you body…it make with magnesium sulfate …”

“Oh me mooma! You got to be careful. Ya make you sweat lakka cow!” It make you sweat like a cow!


“Mr. Johnston tell me he nearly dead one time,” she continue with Bollywood-size drama in she voice.

“Mr. Johnston?”

“He was a electrician…he used to do work for we in the seventies, eighties…”

He was 50-something, married to a middle-aged woman. The two o’ them never live good; they always fighting. My parents never meet the wife, but according to he, Mr. Johnston, she was a strict, uncompromising woman. According to my mother, Mr. Johnston heself was a black-and-white man, dogmatic and proper.

My mother, chatting with he, years ago, ask he how he is doing, how is the wife and so on.

“She is a terrible woman,” he state.

One day, he and the wife had a fight. Words slicing the air, carving left and right. Finally, they lay down they words like swordsmen downing weapons, carefully. Silence settle over them.

The wife full up the bathtub for he. Mr. Johnston sink into the water, aahhh…so relaxing. He come out from the bath, he feeling nice.

Then he start to sweat. He pour with sweat, he sweat like a cow, he sweat so much, he get nearly dehydrated, he had to rush to the doctor.

“That terrible woman,” Mr. Johnston tell my mother, “she overdosed my bath with epson salts, the doctor said. She almost killed me.”

“Where is Mr. Johnston now?” I ask my mother.

“He die some years ago. He woulda been 80-something now.”


cadiz12 said...

let that be a lesson to us all: never cross a passionate woman.

Guyana-Gyal said...

I feel sorry for the husband, Cadiz...that wife sounds like even wimmen should be afeard o' her.

Anna said...

I'd be afraid of her. Karma, though, she should be afraid of...

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Great story. Revenge can be so creative. I don't practise it myself, and never want to be on the receiving end - but it's such fun to read about!

Aunty Marianne said...

An overdose of epsom salts... well there's different.

I'd have gone for the laxative myself.

Caroline said...

I've bathed in Epsom Salts and not sweated much at all, even when I was trying to because I thought it might help me detox... maybe his conscience was bothering him and that's what made him sweat.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Do you think, perhaps, it was too much of a good thing, Caro? Can one use too much? Haha, maybe he was as mean as his wife.

Aunty, do you remember the story with the little girl and the Brooklax? hehe. Is it 'epson' or 'epsom'? I thought it was epsom...then I googled and saw 'epson'.

Me too, Zin, I'm too worried about what goes around, comes around.

Exactly, Anna...Karma!

Dr. D. said...

Never knew that about the salts....

Dem sorta tings wicked!

Mary said...

Hmmm...I just stuck my son soak in some after a lacrosse game. I will have to be careful.

ML said...

The way I see it, there's two sides to every story.

The Boy said...

Poetic justice, they sweated words from each other, then just sweated...

Modern Viking said...

When you Google it, you get more results for "epson salt." But according to Wikipedia, "Epsom salt was originally prepared by boiling down mineral waters at Epsom, England..."

Anyway... can you really sweat to death?

Guyana-Gyal said...

Maybe Epsom Salts is now a brand name, Viking. I dunno if we can sweat to death, but I know a body can get dehydrated.

But only the husband pays, Boy.

I know ML, I'm always saying that. Probably 3, 4 sides to the story.

Lacrosse, Mary? I thought only the Brits. played that. Well, live and learn. By the way, that's a nice new pic. of you.

Well Doc D, I thought you mighta been able to tell us more, you being a doc. and all.

beenzzz said...

I had no idea that Epson salts was so deadly! I also didn't know it draws out toxins. Maybe he wife thought he wasa big toxins and tried to draw him out! :D

Hayden said...

never heard of this side of epsom salts before... but I've mostly just soaked my feet.

gishungwa said...

mental reminder, when the del is too good think again

DaveM said...

I remember my granparents talking about Epsom salts in the 1950's as if they were the panacea of purgetives.

Caroline said...

GG - I've just started up my blogroll again and this time its pictorial - but I haven't found any pictures to borrow from here to use - have I missed some?

PI said...

I remember once scrubbing my husband down with salt to bring his blood pressure down but I think it was ordinary salt. I don't know if it worked but he quite enjoyed it!

Jdid said...

gal we west indian people duz swear by epson salts. fa every ailment ya can use epson salts for a purging

Jesse Somer said...

Hi Guyana-Gyal

Very interesting story...my girlfriend is a fiery one too-I hope she never hears this tale-she might get some ideas! I don't know much about Guyana-is that one reason why you write tthis blog-to put your home on the map? How about answering a few questions for my blog?

A Questionnaire for Popular Bloggers,

As you’ve been either a recipient or a candidate for a blogging award I must assume that your blog is quite popular. At my blog www.blogspoke.com I have just written a post that has a questionnaire relating to the topic ‘Why I blog’ and I thought it would be pertinent to get some insight from the minds of those who obviously have put a lot of effort into their blogging experience. The post can be found at http://www.blogspoke.com/page/blogspoke?entry=so_you_re_a_blogger.

If you can answer the ten easy questions (in the Comments link) that would be great, but if you could take the time to really let my readers know what you think about blogging (from your heart, mind, and soul) that would be appreciated immensely. We look forward to hearing about what inspires you to make those little ‘ticking’ noises on your keyboard, and on what makes your brain ‘tick’.

Jesse S. Somer

Guyana-Gyal said...

Hello Jesse, thanks for dropping by. Guyana is a tiny country, the only English-speaking one, in South America. I'm still half asleep, just woke up, but I'll try to answer your questions.

JDid, what ya mean, purging? Oh me mooma! Ya write that perving story in the supermarket as yet? LOL.

Oh boy Pat, I just learnt something new...scrubbing with salt brings down pressure?

Caro, I don't have a single picture on my blog, I'm even worse than JohnnyB, he has at least one that I can think of...some old tv or computer thing.

LOL Davem, it sure nearly purged Mr. Johnston.

Gish, only when the relationship is bad :-D

Too much of a good thing ain't good, Hayden, that's what we say here.

Beenzzz, I can't get to your blog anymore :-(

Freudian Slip said...

Wow, the power of passion. There is nothing equal to it!

Ariel said...

I'm with Marianne, laxatives anytime! Because it's a lot more entertaining than watching a bloke sweat away. Then again, when said bloke already farts for England and sweats like a beast, there isn't a lot one can do.

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